I’ve long been averse to anything resembling online dating – for a few different reasons, really. The main reason, however, is that I have always been reluctant to give anyone an impression that I am single… NOT by choice. In my fantasy of how I want people to see me, I am single by conscious choice (and LOVING it, of course); and the moment (and I mean the EXACT moment) I decide I want love in my life, I finally acquiesce to one of my many suitors who has long been pining for me and patiently waiting for me to come around.
Sound familiar? ;)
There was always something that felt desperate about advertising that I was looking for romance and did not have it at my fingertips. I also didn’t want people in my circle to know that I was looking. I felt like it was giving too much of my power away. I felt vulnerable and was a challenge for my ego.
But, as with any struggle that is ego-based, I eventually worked my way out of that point of view. I’ve now found that online dating has been fun, informative, and a wonderful learning experience.
I’ve also learned to be comfortable with the fact that I am wanting a relationship that I don’t yet have. I no longer feel desperate; I simply have accepted that, as a complex adult with many distinctive qualities and preferences, it’s only natural that it should take a while for me to find someone who is a good fit.
And there’s nothing wrong with the fact that it hasn’t happened instantaneously for me. If we’re all truly being ourselves and honoring our own spirits as individuals, it’s only natural that our true, honest selves will not fit with just anyone. The only way we could all fit with just anyone is if we were stifling our needs in order to be easy and amenable. This is no way to live.
If you can’t be yourself, what’s the point?
There’s an exquisite loneliness that comes from feeling alone when you are with someone. I believe that loneliness comes from not being able to fully express ourselves. This is what daily life is like when you are with someone who is not a good fit. You can never have a true honest moment. And this, my friends, is exhausting. And this is what it feels like to be with someone who IS NOT a good fit.
You know the feeling when you hear something said by another person that really resonates with you? And how wonderful it feels to feel in synch with how someone else’s thoughts? What’s happening in these honest moments is the experience of two individuals being completely themselves while in the company of another. There’s nothing like it! And this, my friends, is what it feels like to be with someone who IS a good fit!
Once I embraced this idea, it was so easy to let go of worrying about anybody else thought of my life, or my choices. My ego worrying about how desperate I may appear to others – it just seems pathetic and such teeny tiny potatoes when compared to an honest quest for something so important: authentic, true love and a healthy partnership.
This paradigm shift has transformed online dating into a very useful tool I am grateful to have at my disposal.
I encourage everyone who is looking for love to embrace the process, and to do so proudly.
I will come back soon with some lessons I’ve learned that I hope you will find helpful as you embark on the journey of love online.
Best Wishes. xx